. S is for Stop Snooping .

When Chris and I started dating last October, we did not think our different pasts would clash and drive a wedge of uncertainty into our relationship. He was very experienced, and I was not. 


Chris was the first guy to hold my hand, my first kiss and my first relationship. But Chris? It seemed like there was a different girl to remember every few days. The biggest issue we battled was trust; most of his ex-girlfriends were unfaithful and I was paying the price for the choices they made, and I did not know how to trust a guy on such an intimate level, much less Casanova-in-training. Chris was not used to such an inexperienced girl and thus questioned my every move. I worry about exes because I have heard plenty of stories about old flames reigniting a fire just because it was a lonely night and the two individuals had history. This is not something I want to encounter. 


Many people know that with distrust comes questions and questions needs answers. I cannot recall the first time it happened, but it happened: we started snooping through each other’s phones and text logs. 

Cosmo’s article "Put Down His Cell Phone!" came a month too late, but its points are as valid now as they were in November. They also help explain this unhealthy habit of snooping. Korin Miller writes about women allowing their insecurities fuel their suspicions which lead to snooping on the boyfriend. Miller describes snooping as secretly going through one’s partner’s personal belongings. The habit is a slippery slope, to which Chris and I can attest, and an addictive vicious cycle, according to psychologist Brenda Schaeffer.

Snooping is instant gratification for insecurities, but not just for women, Miller writes. Even now Chris snoops through my phone openly and because he does it to me, I do it to him. Though he never finds anything on my phone, the act makes me angry and my anger enables me to think that reciprocity is the answer. It is an answer for sure, but the wrong one.

Last week he left his phone in the car with me as he stepped out. I went through his text logs and Facebook account and found several instances where he gave his phone number out and encouraged girls to text him even after we had started dating exclusively. My heart sank and I told myself, “I knew it. He couldn’t let go of his playboy ways.” He came back and casually asked me if I found anything. My outward fury was calm but I was boiling on the inside. Turns out I blew everything out of proportion. 

Miller writes, “A recent study found that the more we look at our guy’s Facebook page, the more jealous we become because we are trying to confirm our suspicions about him and, as a result, end up blowing whatever fishy info we do find out of proportion.” It also says that if we are looking for evidence, we will find it because we will spin anything we find to fit the mold we think he fits into. With Chris and I, there is still much to work through, but it does not help that 80% of his Facebook friends are girls he admitted he does not know, and that they are all so willing to provide a comfortable (perhaps too comfortable) shoulder for him to cry on when we are going through a rough time. So who is in the wrong? It seems things are not as black and white as this article implies.

What exactly is the right reaction to a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife snooping through your phone or e-mail? Snatching your phone (and withholding passwords) may provoke him or her to think you are hiding something. Shrugging it off may enable him or her to think the snooping is OK. I have tried both and neither work. Miller suggests that step one is to recognize that the behavior is unhealthy and step two is to figure out why it is happening. Done. Now what? I accept that we need to work on the trust, but now how do we go about establishing and maintaining trust? Miller also suggests that people snoop because they are unhappy, but in our case, it is skeletons (or in my case, lack thereof) in our closets just keep reemerging. Perhaps the question now is how we can combine our efforts to exorcist these skeletons and put them to rest once and for all so we can move forward.

Guys are just as guilty and these subject matters should address both genders and provide better hands-on resolutions to practice after couples are past the acknowledgment stage. Because now it seems like couples who fall in the gray area of the snooping spectrum (both are at fault, nothing romantic is missing, etc.) are stuck in a waiting period of “Where do we go from here?” How do we stop snooping and start fixing?

Do they call you Snoopy, too?