Departing Words: A time for change

As this blog comes to a close, or even perhaps a transition, it’s important to know that relationships are all around us and are ever-changing. From our friends and lovers to families and coworkers, we’re always connected. We can read all we want about relationships, but practice is best. Before you practice, however, choose from right and wrong.

I’ve written many things on what Cosmo has to offer, but this time around, I’d like to close with an important lesson that I wish Cosmo would have taught me and many other women. This lesson is about forgiveness in a relationship.

Revenge is a catchy you-go-girl theme in Cosmo. If he’s done you wrong, get even. If you’ve caught him cheating, flaunt that new fling. Cosmo has some wise words, but one thing that healthy relationships lack is revenge.

Like Carrie Underwood sings, “I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seat.” Oh, the sweet smell of revenge. We can lash out and go crazy as that ex-girlfriend when we’re on a break, but when that moment passes, we’ll have satisfaction. And regret.

So I advise you to be the better woman that you both know you are. And when he looks back, he’ll think about how he just lost a great woman. And if you work things out, hopefully you’ll learn to appreciate each other better than before.

Revenge isn’t as sweet as it sounds, and regret is even worse. What about reconciliation? Now that is sweet.

I’ve learned many new things from Cosmo like what guys generally like, how they like it, when and where. But on a more serious note, I’ve also learned that resources like Cosmo and talk shows may tell us stories, but it’s better to write our own. For me, I’d want forgiveness to be the theme in my relationship rather than revenge, unlike many stories in Cosmo.

Forgiveness, communication and compromise are three important elements in a healthy relationship, but even Cosmo doesn’t write about them. Why? Maybe sexy lingerie and late night phone rendezvous are higher priorities? Well, there’s a time for fun but there is also a time to be serious, especially in a relationship.

When anger is flaring, take a step back and breathe for five minutes before speaking again. When he’s holding double standards against you, calmly converse about the issue. It’s OK not to get even. It’s OK to be the bigger person. When he’s done you wrong, it’s OK to forgive and try again.

Reconciled: Chris and I at the Chris Tomlin
concert at Rolling Hills Church!

Forgiveness frees the forgiver.

I wish I could say “For Cosmo Tells Me So,” but this time, it’s for real life tells me so.

Take the fun and fanciness from Cosmo, but test out the theories and tips that are thrown at you from every angle. Test them to see which work for you and your relationships. You don’t want to walk someone else’s path; pave your way with their experiences as your guiding light.

Have fun in your relationships, but don’t lose yourself to the low standards of many people. Set the bar high and reach far beyond!

Steamy Sex-capades

If you’ve ever opened the covers of Cosmo, you know that Cosmo doesn’t spare any details about the steamiest sex positions, adventures and stories. Public sex, quiet sex, group sex, role play sex, taboo sex, drunken sex, and regular sex—Cosmo’s readers have seen it all.

Don’t worry if it’s not for you. There are some ideas that are more extreme than others, but Cosmo presents readers with new adventures, possibilities and experiences… at your own risk.

Not sure if you’re into strip clubs or adult stores? Not to worry. Try cooking lessons (sushi!) or even dancing lessons. And you can shape the lessons into what fits you and your partner. Whatever your choice, don’t be afraid to try something before you decide it’s not for you.

If you want to spice up your love life with your partner but don’t know how, you can simply research what’s available in your city. Experience the sexiness at the location or learn a few new tricks to bring home and into the bedroom (or kitchen, bathroom, patio… whatever suits you and your partner best). For the Portlanders, here is a map of about 10 locations of adventures. Skeptical? Check out each location for a short blurb from someone who’s been there.

View Steamy Sex-capades in Portland in a larger map

Which would you try and which would you avoid? Why?

S Fever Workout – Spring, summer, sun, sexy, skin

Spring and summer fast approaching means sun, skin and sexy.

Nowadays gyms memberships are pricey, especially for younger women. And for those of us who are still working students, we don’t have much time or resources to go back and forth to the gym in between study sessions and multiple jobs.

Cosmo has many different workout moves straight from the hands of celebrity trainers. How to get toned legs, arms, stomach and especially the behind! There are tons of variations that work for different people, but do what works for your body.

Working out has many benefits. It’s fun, relieves stress, improves your health and your body. Don’t let it become a punishment. Make it fun.

It’s also important not to expect instant results. Results take time and patience and a lot of work.

When I have time, I like to enjoy my time at Howard Hall, the gym at no cost to University of Portland students. I highly recommend that any and all students utilize the free resources through schools when they’re still available. When I’m at home, though, and when you’re at home, you can keep it simple. These moves are similar to the variations that Cosmo suggests as well (they’re the ones I use).

Legs: lunges and wall-sits

Lunges: Bend one knee in front of you and use the other leg straight or bent behind you for balance. Keep your weight on the bended knee. Switch back and forth between legs, and to keep in motion, move forward. Try 15 per leg and repeat 3 times. Take a 30 second to 1 minute break in between.

Wall-sits: Sit with your back against the wall like you’re sitting in a chair (bend knees at 90 degree angle). Legs can also be spread shoulder width. Try to hold the position for 30 seconds and repeat 3 times. If 30 seconds isn’t tough enough, try 1 minute.

Arms: “girl” and backward push-ups

“Girl” push-ups: Get in the push-up position but rest on your knees. Push forward a little so that your weight is on your arms. Try to do 15 to 30, and repeat 3 times.

Backward push-ups: I have a frame beneath my mattress (it looks like the mattress but it’s not). I slightly push the mattress off the frame enough so my hands can rest on it. Your arms will be slightly behind you with the heels of your hands resting on the frame. Lower yourself (bend legs at knees or keep legs straight) until your arms are bent at about 90 degrees. Try 15 to 20 and repeat 3 to 5 times.

Stomach: crunches and the bicycle

Bicycle

Crunches: These are like sit ups, but you’re not sitting all the way up (though you can if you want). Raise your knees up or raise your legs in front of you. Lift your upper body up so that you feel tightness in your midsection, then lower your upper body back down (don’t rest on the floor/mat). Start with 50 and repeat 3 times. If you’re comfortable with it already, try 100 and repeat 3 to five times.

Bicycle: Lie on the floor. Raise and bend one knee toward you and keep the other leg raised but straight. Slightly raise your upper body with your arms bent behind your head (don’t push or pull your head/neck). Slightly turn your body toward the bent knee. If your left knee is bent, raise your body and turn so your right elbow is almost or touching your left knee. If it’s your right knee, touch your left elbow to the knee. Rotate smoothly like you’re pedaling on a bike. Try 20 per knee and repeat 3 times.

Remember that results take time. Use upbeat music and get in comfortable clothes. If your body is giving out, stop until you have the energy again. Don’t push yourself when you’re just starting. Build up your body and strength. And remember to be patient.

If you want something faster and more upbeat, try work-out dance videos and do them alone or with friends. They’re fun and provide a great work out. I recommend Crunch videos with Jennifer Galardi.

Good luck, and have fun getting ready for the sun!
Which moves or routines work for you?

Project Body: What's in your closet?

Everyone has a different body. There are different shapes and sizes. And with those differences come different styles.

Cosmo has various features on the hottest new trends, which jeans to buy to look like celebrities and how to wow that boyfriend of yours with stylish dresses.

Tame the urge to run out of the door to the nearest store because let’s face it: not every look is right for every body.

Cute clothes do not necessarily guarantee beauty and confidence. For this reason, it is more important to listen to your body than to trends.

Here are three women with different body shapes and sizes. They offer tips on what looks good on their body, challenges for their body type and advice for similar women.

This is Project Body: What’s in your closet?

How do you dress your body?

Wax On, Wax Off: DIY!

DIY wax kits have many pros!
Photo courtesy of Jane Rose Salon

When shaving no longer gets the job done, waxing can be an option… one that may hurt and cost a fortune.

We’re not talking about just any kind of waxing; we’re talking bikini.

Crystal Barnes, whom I know through a cousin, knows the pain of a merciless hand when it comes to getting waxed at a salon.

“I’ve been to salons that just ruin me, and right where it hurts,” Barnes, 24, said. “I usually can’t walk right for at least two or three days.”

For those who want to look to salons to get the job done, many salons around Portland such as Portland Day Spa, Wax On Spa, Olena’s Day Spa, The Dragon Tree and Kanani Pearl Spa offers waxing services that range from $30-$50.

For those who still look to salons for waxing services, here are five tips from Cosmo regarding how to reduce the pain of waxing at a salon and after-care:

1. Pop a couple Aspirin 45 minutes before the appointment.
2. Don't schedule your wax right before your period.
3. Avoid working out or wearing tight clothing right away.
4. Your "aim" might be off afterward, so hover carefully.
5. Schedule your appointment between 3 and 5 p.m.

In this economy, however, $40 to set aside for a wax job isn’t ideal, especially when we have bills to pay, a car to feed and a house to keep warm, not to mention hungry stomachs to satisfy.

Another option? You can go out and buy a DIY wax kit that can be used for months on end.

Nair hair removal kit – one of the many!
Photo courtesy of www.health-care-beauty.com

Jessica Riley, one of my recent friends, once relied on salons but now prefers the DIY method.

“People can lay a table while someone nearly rips their skin off of they if you want,” Riley, 22, said. “But I have low pain-tolerance.”

Riley, who still prefers the results of waxing, spends approximately $10 on microwavable Nair or Sally Hansen waxing kits from the local Wal-Mart or Walgreens.

The first time was scary, she said, but she found that the pain was more tolerable than having someone else do it.

On a scale of one to ten, the DIY method is about a 2, she said. At a salon? 7, and the pain lasts for days, she added.

“I can stop when I need to and I don’t get those weird looking bumps,” Riley said.

Tropical Mind, a blog focused on looking “amazing without breaking the bank,” also reviewed the DIY wax kit. Although the blogger cautions users about being gutsy and having high pain tolerance to use these waxing kits, which contrasts Riley’s experience with this method, she also discusses the pros of the kits: it saves money, lasts longer than shaving, easy clean up, and the kits lasts a while. The blogger offers a few good insights about the kits. Check out the blog for more details.

To save money and reduce pain and mess, Riley suggests cutting the strips (included in the kit). Simply lay the strip in front of you hot-dog style and cut from left to right. This enables you to work in smaller areas, which she found hurts less, and not waste strips.

After-care is simple. Gently pat the remaining wax off with a warm, damp towel.

Although Barnes was skeptical of the DIY method, she recently gave in, tested the product and liked it.

“It was definitely interesting,” Barnes said. “I’ll have to try it out some more to be positive, especially on the legs, but I’ve already recommended it to someone else.”

What’s your experience like with waxing? If you haven’t, would you try it?

Steal this look: Simple, quick and easy all-day wear

Every now and then, Cosmo features a “Get this look” short beauty special of a celebrity’s makeup. From simple looks to glamorous styles, every woman has her own taste.

Here’s an easy look that I like. It takes about 10 minutes in the morning and lasts all day with little touch-ups (usually only the Carmex!). I use this look for school, work, church and even when I go out. It is light and natural yet it adds something special to the everyday casual look.



Products and techniques:

Concealer: Use concealer to cover up dark circles (mine are bad!). The particular concealer is in a medium shade (item H69) from Event Cosmetics.

Powder and Kabuki brush

Powder: Powder up. I use bare minerals from Sephora, the matte golden medium. Use any kabuki or round brush for application.

Cheek definition: I use a bronzer to define my cheeks and add a little bit of color to my face. This particular bronzer is the Sunset Strip Shimmer Strips from Fred Meyer (approximately $8). I apply with a miniature round brush along the hollows of my cheeks and blend, blend, blend.

Define the brows: I use M.A.C.’s matte charcoal brown eye shadow (these types of individual shadows are approximately $13; try something cheaper!). I use a miniature angled brush.

Liquid eye liner

Eye liner: I use Maybelline’s Line Stiletto, a liquid liner in black. Start from the inner corner of each eye. Draw the line. Flare out at the outer corner of each eye. This product is approximately $5 from Walmart.

Mascara: I like the waterproof Maybelline Falsies Volum’ Express with a curved brush. The curved brush follows the natural shape of the eye which helps eliminate mistakes. Start at the base of the lashes and move to the tips. This product is approximately $5 at Walmart.

Color shadow

Adding color: Use any color to add a little bit of fun to your look. Use any angled brush and apply the color below your lower lashes. This particular product is M.A.C.’s Stars ‘N’ Rockets eye shadow.

Lips: I use Victoria’s Secret’s Scrumptious lipstick. You can use a gloss over the color, but I love my Carmex.

This same style with a variation of strokes and colors can definitely change up the entire look. Note that while these are the products that I have and use, any other products to your liking can do the job. Experiment and have fun creating your very own style!

Beauty tip: Quick fix and spend less

Making beauty an event for the girls!
Photo taken by Melissa Yang

“I fell asleep at his… er, I meant my friend… Lacey’s house by accident.” “I wasn’t coherent enough to drive on the right side of the street.” “I don’t remember anything.” It doesn’t matter what the story is. There are times when we aren’t prepared for morning to arrive.

Let’s face it: Sometimes we need a quick fix in the morning and we don’t always want to spend a fortune. We’re not talking sex, drugs or alcohol; we’re talking makeup.

The March 2011 Cosmo issue featured a short feature titled “Shameless Money-saving Tricks.”

The article briefly discussed saving tips such as “sweet deals” at bakeries, “a sexy-getaway for cheap” when planning a mini-vacation and how to save money with “no more cable bills.”

Practical for everyday use? Not quite.

How about sweet deals on unexpected emergencies? Here’s a situation:

Two long mornings ago, my friend Anna Lee called me with her story an hour before she had to be in at work. She and her boyfriend had a little too much fun last night and she ended up staying the night without a change of clothes, a toothbrush, a towel or her makeup bag.

The clothes, toothbrush and towel issues were solved easily enough (she borrowed from the boyfriend). But the makeup was something he didn’t have.

$5 Duo Eye Shadow Collection
Photo courtesy of www.eyeslipsface.com

My 27-year-old friend called me in distress and asked to borrow my makeup, but I wasn’t anywhere near where I could help, so I told her to run to the store and buy the cheapest basics: Powder, blush and mascara.

She went to the nearest Target and purchased a bag full of makeup for less than $20.

Lee ended up purchasing powder, foundation, cream blush, eye-liner, mascara, an eyelash curler, a brush set, eyebrow color and lip gloss.

Her secret was e.l.f. cosmetics, a line of simple but quality makeup products that females can use without sacrificing their budget.

“I was so stressed because I didn’t want to go in to work looking like a mess,” Lee said. “I went in to Target empty-handed and came out with a whole new set for on-the-go makeup.”

$1 Waterproof Eyeliner Pen
Photo courtesy of www.eyeslipsface.com

E.l.f., which stands for eyes, lips and face, is great for quick emergencies and is also a great money-saver because most of the basic products like eyeliner and mascara are $1. Many other essential e.l.f. products only range from $3 to $5. Bigger packages like eye shadow palettes and sets of foundation and blush powders may cost around $10.

The quality of the products vary but is still excellent considering prices.

According to Lee, the waterproof liquid liner smeared a few times throughout the day, which required a few instances of touching-up, but the other products were satisfactory.

“E.l.f. wasn’t as great as well-known and respected products like M.A.C. or other regular store products like Rimmel, but for a quick-fix, don’t pass it up,” Lee said.

For Lee, it was a pleasant surprise for a morning emergency that also saved her a lot of money, considering that most mascaras now range from $7 to $10 and the simplest eye liners can even cost up to $8.

Lee’s experience with e.l.f. cosmetics has been positive thus far, but it is important that each female tries any suggested makeup brands to make sure the products are a good match for her skin and comfort.

Sometimes the needed tips can’t be found in the pages of even one of the most popular women’s magazines, but perhaps that’s what friends are for.

I have since tried e.l.f. products and found them to be very satisfactory, especially since I always look for quality and low prices.

We can’t predict the future and are preparedness, but we can shop smart.

For any emergency occasion, E.l.f. is a good choice.

What kinds of good deals have you found through word of mouth or experience?

PDA etiquette part 2: Discretion doesn't mean no fun

If Mom and Dad were with you and they wouldn’t approve of your PDA, then you probably shouldn’t be so free flowing with the lovin’. Sure, personal preference plays a big role in approval of PDA, but general PDA etiquette still calls for keeping the lovin’ on the DL.

So I took the idea of tapping into other senses when expressing PDA and thought about the different places and ways we can be discreet but still convey actions of love and lust. Here are a few suggestions as to how we can utilize our senses in PDA and still keep it light and discreet.

Note: PDA doesn’t always mean that you both have to be on the go. Go to a park and rest easy. Go to a zoo or museum and take your time exploring the exhibits and each other.

Smell: (This one could take some planning…) Randomly allow him (guys can try this, too) to smell your wrist where you’ve sprayed a little bit of a new perfume. Challenge him then and there (this is where that whisper comes into play! And as you whisper, why not sneak in one or two kisses to the ear and cheek?) to later find out another area of your body where you’ve also sprayed some perfume. That’ll drive him nuts… and the PDA isn’t too much for onlookers.

Taste: Say you and your partner get a sundae topped with, well, whipped cream. A little bit of teasing never hurt anyone. Whisper something to look forward to in your partner’s ear. See how he or she responds.

See: Sure, light touches to your partner is great, but how about giving him a little show? Again, this one can be for the guys, too, if they’d like. Nothing too promiscuous is necessary, but a little light touch across your chest from collarbone to collarbone (may be more effective with a slightly dipped or low cut top) or down your neck can work wonders.

Hear: Whispers are awesome. What you say is completely up to your imagination, and see what your partner likes. But how about getting a little noisy for just your partner to hear? Don’t get me wrong. Don’t give your partner the whole show, but how about a one to two second preview? Could work.

Feel: Lose the words. A hot breath or two along the neck or on the ear is golden. It’s innocent play and not too much for onlookers.

All in all, PDA is all about knowing your surroundings and knowing self-control. Sure, PDA is about showing affection, but when it comes to a playful game of tease and be teased, know when to give just enough to get your partner’s attention. Then, back off and go on about your adventure. Everyone eventually has the need to play and it might just happen when there are tons of people around. Don’t make the public the issue when the issue is self-control and abiding by the rules of the game.

Hopefully this two-part series about PDA has helped some of you to reevaluate how much of your lovin’ innocent eyes are witnessing. Have fun, but have discretion as well.

How do you show PDA?

*Photos of Craig and Elaine taken by me. Playful PDA captured in downtown Portland.

PDA etiquette part 1: Drizzle the physical and verbal compliments… not pour!

Photo taken by Elaine Y.
PDA alert: Chris and I caught at a celebration.

Couples bursting with so much love (or is it lust?) who have passersby covering their children’s eyes muttering profanities are annoying.

As students, we’ve seen couples on couches or benches slobbering all over each other, especially as students. As shoppers, we’ve seen couples groping each other at the mall. As citizens who utilize public transportation, we’ve had eyefuls of couples getting handfuls on the bus, max or subway.

Public display of affection, better known as PDA, is a right. And like any right, it can be abused.

Yes, PDA is a way for couples to keep their relationship fresh and exciting. After all, if you can’t get to a rooftop to shout your love, the next best thing might be to show people how much you adore your partner. Or is it?

Korin Miller’s article “The PDA moves that guys secretly crave” from the latest issue of Cosmo (April 2011) discussed the do’s and don’ts, the when’s and where’s of how to respectfully express PDA.

But rather than focusing on what guys want, it’s important to look at what’s acceptable, respectful and desired by both individuals in a relationship. The article is still valuable in how PDA can benefit a relationship.

Miller noted that couples who showed each other affection in public have more satisfying relationships that those who don’t.

According to couples therapist Scott Haltzman, MD, displays of affection make individuals feel special and adds a layer of excitement.

The excitement could be paired with the buzz of a new relationship or the new-couple feeling, which Miller notes is why PDA is so important. PDA can resurrect a relationship and even evoke emotions that balance out the stress of being together for too long.

Abbi Sigler, columnist for University of Virginia’s The Cavalier Daily wrote, “It seems that PDA becomes milder as the length of relationship increases. Making out becomes just holding hands. Long passionate kisses become small pecks.”

Because relationships can grow dull, it is important that couples liven up their relationship with a little bit of thrill during outdoor adventures before returning home.

There are, however, approaches to PDA that are cringe-worthy and appropriate. So how do we go about doing it right?

First, it is important to understand the three common types of PDA that Miller notes: Show love with light touches: While in line for a concert, lighting run your fingernails up and down your partner’s arm; brush your fingers with your partner’s fingers while walking alongside each other; lightly caress your partner’s hand during dinner; lightly nuzzle your partner’s neck at a movie.

Show support with stronger contact: Squeeze your partner’s hand before a big, stressful event like meeting the parents; momentarily press the small of your partner’s back at a company event.

Show lust with drawn out, wild and in-the-moment touches (while still showing self-control, mind you): Press your body against your partner’s while he or she orders a drink at the bar; stroke your partner’s thigh under the table at a restaurant.

Understand, however, that obnoxious groping and fondling is inappropriate, especially if it interrupts passersby, but most importantly if it impairs your ability to function coherently. Use Wedding Crashers, for example. In a particular scene, Vince Vaughn’s character received an obnoxious under-the-dinner-table play that cheapened both his and the woman’s adult maturity value. Keep it light and discreet, not heavy and desperate.

As Miller suggested, the touches should be gentle enough to convey the message that you’re enjoying each other’s company but give him or her something to look forward to.

Second, physical attention gets the job done quickly, Miller also notes how verbal PDA—whispers—can do some (awesome) damage.For ladies who aren’t quite ready to explore the PDA realm, Cosmo’s Matt Christensen advises you to try these safe-but-sure-to-work PDA moves on your man: the arm lock, the stealth caress, the whisper and the ass grab.

Though he doesn’t touch upon men with shy ladies who aren’t quite comfortable with PDA, I say stick with the subtle and romantic. Try a kiss to her cheek and occasionally her hand; lightly brush your hand down her back; when standing behind her, rest your hands on her hips and pay attention to her reactions as you brush your hands up to her ribcage and back down to her hips. It’s important to listen to your partner’s body and comply, giving just enough but not indulge them too much in the moment.

PDA doesn’t have to be raunchy. When approached with finesse and maturity, it can be a sexy form of foreplay that may seem like minimal affection to others, but a preview only the two of you know about.

It’s okay to have fun, but be aware and respectful of your surroundings.

Where have you seen PDA abused? How do you respond?

Two-part series (2): Sex fantasies

Photo courtesy of www.CartoonStock.com

The second part in this two-part relationship series is about how sexual fantasies and what they can do for relationships.

Secrets can ruin relationships, especially if those skeletons in the closet need to be aired out and removed. Fantasies, however, are secretive sexual acts that individuals conjure up even if they don’t act upon the thoughts.

Coming across a Q+A article about a male fantasy of picturing their partner with another man and threesomes tickled my curiosity about how fantasies affect relationships.

Some fantasies are more extreme than others, and some individuals are more open about their fantasies.


Berk also noted that individuals should always be careful when revealing fantasies because it may cause insecurities and may even backfire. What Berk advised was for individuals to know their partners and their insecurities.


Perhaps the reason why fantasies are so hush-hush is because interpretations and needs are different. Unfortunately, the risk of rejection and judgment are big parts of harboring fantasies. If someone disclosed their fantasy and was rejected or scorned for their thoughts, it could be damaging to that individual. It is important to have an imagination so long as individuals know their limits of what they can and cannot do in real life, should they attempt to act out the fantasy.


Although fantasies are hush-hush, everyone still has one, or two or twelve.

An article titled “Sexual fantasies: Healthy or Harmful?” by Sheryl Berk noted, “What’s more, fantasies can be healthy and inspiring during sex. Anything that becomes routine, even sex with that same partner you love, can deaden the heart.” The article also provides a valuable look at when fantasies are harmful and when to seek help.

Once again, Craig and Elaine chimed in about how sexual fantasies can affect relationships and offer some commentary about some of the most common fantasies.

Do you think fantasies are healthy to have?
Craig: Yes.
Elaine: Yes.

What is the point of having fantasies?
C: It’s a way to satisfy yourself without embarrassment because if I told you I want you to dress up like a monkey… to me that’s hot and if you’re like “What?” then I’d be embarrassed. That’s not my fantasy, though.
E: Most times you don’t act them out. It’s just personal in the mind. It’s probably not something you want to share because when you share your fantasies and someone else doesn’t view them the same then it ruins your fantasy.

Craig and Elaine comment on some common fantasies:

Girl-on-girl
E: Do you have fantasies about girl-on-girl?
C: I think every guy does.
E: I don’t understand it.
C: Yeah, I don’t either but I like it.
E: Why do you like it?
C: I don’t know.
E: You can’t satisfy each other. I think penis and vagina makes sense.
C: I think women understand each other. Two vaginas are better than one. I want to join. Watching is hot but then you’d want to join in. Joining is the ultimate goal.
E: I guess watching fulfills their fantasy of joining because they can visualize.

School girl/Librarian
E: I find it disturbing. It’s like molestation of really young girls. School girls and librarians are like prim and proper girls and the guys want to take those girls and ruin them. I think it’s because they want a part of that innocence and virginity.
C: Short skirt, bent over, hot. It’s just the image and it’s hot. You guys are going too much in depth with the thinking. I’m not speaking for every guy, but for me, it’s the image. Though, I’ve never had a fantasy about the librarian.

“Sexetary”
E: This one’s good because it’s about serving. Everything that he wants he can get from her. Sexetaries get so used to saying yes that the yes just gets thrown in there.
C: Now that’s something I don’t get. Businessmen would probably would like it because their “sexetary” is like their pseudo-mistress anyway.

Rape
E: It’s like giving up control for women because they feel like they have to have so much control in their lives. The thought of someone taking that control away is the fantasy. But how many women would want to admit that to you?
C: I don’t get it. Is it for men or women? I never would imagine that women would want to be raped.

Bondage (BDSM)
E: I think bondage and rape are a little alike.
C: It is disgusting because it is against human nature. People have taken sex and turned it into something really weird about pain. I guess these are expressions of submissive/dominant natures.

Outdoor/public
C: It’s people wanting to be bold and hoping to not get caught.
E: It’s about the thrill of getting caught (or the ability to not to caught) and the adrenaline rush.

Inside cars
C: They’re good for quickies. Guys also pride themselves on their car and when you put the car and girl together, it’s win.
E: It’s a fantasy of the 50s. You couldn’t go to hotel because you weren’t old enough. You couldn’t go to her house because most people are still innocent and young. Parent’s wouldn’t approve and kids weren’t able to have sex in the house. You went to the viewpoint/overlook and made out and got into it.

Doctor/nurse
C: This is about taking care of the person, tender care and confidentiality.
E: The doctor is rich and he can take care of you in every way possible and he knows everything anatomically so he can make it all work.

Teacher/student
C: That goes with the dominance and submissive thing. It starts when you’re a kid with a crush. E: This is the student taking power from the teacher because the teacher has power to control grades so you might as well control the sexual part and violate the teacher.

Incest (“Daddy”)
C: I don’t get that.
E: I don’t get that either.

Ultimately, it is not necessary to disclose or even act out sex fantasies to have fantasies. Fantasies are for personal gratification, though it is important to uphold reality if individuals pursue or attempt to implement the fantasies into real play.

As Berk wrote, “At the end of the day, sexual fantasies are an opportunity to deepen the intimacy with your partner, to learn more about yourself, or to be clued into underlying emotional issues. Just remember to play it safe.”

How do you think fantasies affect individuals and couples in relationships?

Two-part series (1): Strip Clubs



Communication is key to reaching a mutual understanding.
Photo taken by me.


A two-part series will be dedicated to observing conversation between a couple, Craig and Elaine. The topics to be discussed deal with relationship maintenance and satisfaction, particularly on two topics that can have great affect on how the relationship functions: strip clubs and sexual fantasies.

Launching off the two-part series is the issue of strip clubs.

There are many activities couples can enjoy together: enjoying the outdoors, going to the movies, cooking, traveling and site-seeing. But what about going to the strip clubs (or as they call ‘em: gentlemen’s clubs)?

Typically strip clubs are where men can enjoy watching women dance and strip for a price. But now it’s not just men frequenting the clubs; it is common for couples to show up together for a night out. While some men and women enjoy it, others do not. Neglecting to reach a mutual understanding and respecting relationship boundaries can be detrimental to a relationship.

In other words, frequenting hot spots like strip clubs can drive a damaging wedge into a relationship if both individuals do not see eye to eye on whether the act is OK.

Cosmo has a special section for their “guy guru” to answer readers’ most pressing sex and love questions. Not only can readers receive answers to their sometimes confusing, embarrassing, desperate and make-or-break questions, they actually receive input from a male who can provide a different and valuable perspective. Hearing these things from a man can help women see that there are possibilities other than the female way.

A female reader submitted, “My boyfriend wants us to go to a strip club together because he thinks it’ll be fun and sexy. My friends think it’s a bad idea. What are your thoughts on it?”

His answer was simple: Know that you’re dealing with lots of NUDE women with hot bodies on stage and/or in the laps and faces of male customers. Know that your man will be one of the many males who will be burning wads of cash (he says it’s guaranteed). Know what kind of woman you are and your level of tolerance for said scenes. If you can’t handle it, don’t go. If you think it might spice up the relationship, try it.

What he failed to mention was how to go about dealing with a man who wants to go even if she doesn’t want to try. That is still a mystery.

 

An article titled, “Do you care if your man visits strip clubs?” discusses where to draw the line and how honesty can solve the problem.

Relationship maintenance can be a difficult feat when it clothes are off, even if it’s some stripper at some club. So what happens when couples don’t see eye to eye? Is the relationship doomed or can there be compromise?


For women who are iffy about joining their man or suspicious, it might help to read up on “Should girlfriends be jealous of strippers?” which reads, “…men are usually fine with taking their lady along. If not, that’s a definite red flag because if he has nothing to hide then it shouldn’t be a big problem.”


Although this couple’s views do not reflect those of other individuals or couples, they add valuable input to understanding how these particular individuals experimented and developed an understanding that works for them. 

Craig:                         

How do you feel about strip clubs?
I got a lap dance when I was 18 from Jiggles in Tualatin, Oreg. But still, going to a strip club is a waste of money because it’s ultimately not that hard to get a girlfriend and you can do it for free. Even if you’re single, go out, take a girl for dinner and see if you get laid.

What do you think motivates people to go?
Men are simple: They like boobs.

What if significant others don’t know or approve?
For people in relationships, it’s a little different. From the guys that I know, the wives know about their husbands going and the wives go with their husbands. If significant other is into it, both people should go and it’ll be OK. If not, then you have to ask whether it’s going to damage the relationship.

Can any good come from going to strip clubs?
Nothing good can come from strip clubs except for the strippers making money.

 

Elaine:

How do you feel about strip clubs?
They’re disgusting. Some women there don’t even have boobs or ass. When the women dance they don’t even look at the men. They’re too busy looking at themselves in the mirrors. Their job is to sell sex and to make men feel like they are madly in love with them… to make that man feel like she’s all for him. I would want his money, so I’d sell it. I’ve been once or twice and it does not make me feel good at all so I never want to go in one again. You want to look at someone else naked, so if I’m not enough then f*** off.

Are there costs to going to strip clubs?
Men are stupid. They’re willing to throw away their lives and what they have for a show. You always want what you can’t have because it’s better.

Does it matter if the man is single or committed?
Oh, well if they’re single, do it… unless you’re committed. If you’re single, I totally support you.

So only committed people should stay away?
Yes. They’re looking for something. Eventually they’re going to get what they came for. They look, they find, they pounce. They’re looking for that perfect sex kitten and can’t find it in their wives, obviously. Finally they find it and they’re going to try to take her home and mess up their lives.

Can any good come from going to strip clubs?
No. It’s a waste of money and lives.

Ultimately, we see that Craig and Elaine lucked out with having similar feelings about strip clubs, which can reduces stress and fights about whether one or the other can frequent strip clubs. Other couples and individuals who feel differently may find that finding a compromise is harder than it seems.


No matter the circumstances, it seems like communication is the key to achieving an understanding of one’s partner’s feelings. From there on, you both can tackle the Strip Club Beast together and figure out a compromise that works for both of you.

Good luck.

How do you think strip clubs can affect a relationship? Would it affect yours?