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The second part in this two-part relationship series is about how sexual fantasies and what they can do for relationships.
Secrets can ruin relationships, especially if those skeletons in the closet need to be aired out and removed. Fantasies, however, are secretive sexual acts that individuals conjure up even if they don’t act upon the thoughts.
Coming across a Q+A article about a male fantasy of picturing their partner with another man and threesomes tickled my curiosity about how fantasies affect relationships.
Some fantasies are more extreme than others, and some individuals are more open about their fantasies.
Berk also noted that individuals should always be careful when revealing fantasies because it may cause insecurities and may even backfire. What Berk advised was for individuals to know their partners and their insecurities.
Perhaps the reason why fantasies are so hush-hush is because interpretations and needs are different. Unfortunately, the risk of rejection and judgment are big parts of harboring fantasies. If someone disclosed their fantasy and was rejected or scorned for their thoughts, it could be damaging to that individual. It is important to have an imagination so long as individuals know their limits of what they can and cannot do in real life, should they attempt to act out the fantasy.
Although fantasies are hush-hush, everyone still has one, or two or twelve.
An article titled “Sexual fantasies: Healthy or Harmful?” by Sheryl Berk noted, “What’s more, fantasies can be healthy and inspiring during sex. Anything that becomes routine, even sex with that same partner you love, can deaden the heart.” The article also provides a valuable look at when fantasies are harmful and when to seek help.
Once again, Craig and Elaine chimed in about how sexual fantasies can affect relationships and offer some commentary about some of the most common fantasies.
Do you think fantasies are healthy to have?
Craig: Yes.
Elaine: Yes.
Craig: Yes.
Elaine: Yes.
What is the point of having fantasies?
C: It’s a way to satisfy yourself without embarrassment because if I told you I want you to dress up like a monkey… to me that’s hot and if you’re like “What?” then I’d be embarrassed. That’s not my fantasy, though.
E: Most times you don’t act them out. It’s just personal in the mind. It’s probably not something you want to share because when you share your fantasies and someone else doesn’t view them the same then it ruins your fantasy.
C: It’s a way to satisfy yourself without embarrassment because if I told you I want you to dress up like a monkey… to me that’s hot and if you’re like “What?” then I’d be embarrassed. That’s not my fantasy, though.
E: Most times you don’t act them out. It’s just personal in the mind. It’s probably not something you want to share because when you share your fantasies and someone else doesn’t view them the same then it ruins your fantasy.
Craig and Elaine comment on some common fantasies:
Girl-on-girl
E: Do you have fantasies about girl-on-girl?
C: I think every guy does.
E: I don’t understand it.
C: Yeah, I don’t either but I like it.
E: Why do you like it?
C: I don’t know.
E: You can’t satisfy each other. I think penis and vagina makes sense.
C: I think women understand each other. Two vaginas are better than one. I want to join. Watching is hot but then you’d want to join in. Joining is the ultimate goal.
E: I guess watching fulfills their fantasy of joining because they can visualize.
E: Do you have fantasies about girl-on-girl?
C: I think every guy does.
E: I don’t understand it.
C: Yeah, I don’t either but I like it.
E: Why do you like it?
C: I don’t know.
E: You can’t satisfy each other. I think penis and vagina makes sense.
C: I think women understand each other. Two vaginas are better than one. I want to join. Watching is hot but then you’d want to join in. Joining is the ultimate goal.
E: I guess watching fulfills their fantasy of joining because they can visualize.
School girl/Librarian
E: I find it disturbing. It’s like molestation of really young girls. School girls and librarians are like prim and proper girls and the guys want to take those girls and ruin them. I think it’s because they want a part of that innocence and virginity.
C: Short skirt, bent over, hot. It’s just the image and it’s hot. You guys are going too much in depth with the thinking. I’m not speaking for every guy, but for me, it’s the image. Though, I’ve never had a fantasy about the librarian.
E: I find it disturbing. It’s like molestation of really young girls. School girls and librarians are like prim and proper girls and the guys want to take those girls and ruin them. I think it’s because they want a part of that innocence and virginity.
C: Short skirt, bent over, hot. It’s just the image and it’s hot. You guys are going too much in depth with the thinking. I’m not speaking for every guy, but for me, it’s the image. Though, I’ve never had a fantasy about the librarian.
“Sexetary”
E: This one’s good because it’s about serving. Everything that he wants he can get from her. Sexetaries get so used to saying yes that the yes just gets thrown in there.
C: Now that’s something I don’t get. Businessmen would probably would like it because their “sexetary” is like their pseudo-mistress anyway.
E: This one’s good because it’s about serving. Everything that he wants he can get from her. Sexetaries get so used to saying yes that the yes just gets thrown in there.
C: Now that’s something I don’t get. Businessmen would probably would like it because their “sexetary” is like their pseudo-mistress anyway.
Rape
E: It’s like giving up control for women because they feel like they have to have so much control in their lives. The thought of someone taking that control away is the fantasy. But how many women would want to admit that to you?
C: I don’t get it. Is it for men or women? I never would imagine that women would want to be raped.
E: It’s like giving up control for women because they feel like they have to have so much control in their lives. The thought of someone taking that control away is the fantasy. But how many women would want to admit that to you?
C: I don’t get it. Is it for men or women? I never would imagine that women would want to be raped.
Bondage (BDSM)
E: I think bondage and rape are a little alike.
C: It is disgusting because it is against human nature. People have taken sex and turned it into something really weird about pain. I guess these are expressions of submissive/dominant natures.
E: I think bondage and rape are a little alike.
C: It is disgusting because it is against human nature. People have taken sex and turned it into something really weird about pain. I guess these are expressions of submissive/dominant natures.
Outdoor/public
C: It’s people wanting to be bold and hoping to not get caught.
E: It’s about the thrill of getting caught (or the ability to not to caught) and the adrenaline rush.
C: It’s people wanting to be bold and hoping to not get caught.
E: It’s about the thrill of getting caught (or the ability to not to caught) and the adrenaline rush.
Inside cars
C: They’re good for quickies. Guys also pride themselves on their car and when you put the car and girl together, it’s win.
E: It’s a fantasy of the 50s. You couldn’t go to hotel because you weren’t old enough. You couldn’t go to her house because most people are still innocent and young. Parent’s wouldn’t approve and kids weren’t able to have sex in the house. You went to the viewpoint/overlook and made out and got into it.
C: They’re good for quickies. Guys also pride themselves on their car and when you put the car and girl together, it’s win.
E: It’s a fantasy of the 50s. You couldn’t go to hotel because you weren’t old enough. You couldn’t go to her house because most people are still innocent and young. Parent’s wouldn’t approve and kids weren’t able to have sex in the house. You went to the viewpoint/overlook and made out and got into it.
Doctor/nurse
C: This is about taking care of the person, tender care and confidentiality.
E: The doctor is rich and he can take care of you in every way possible and he knows everything anatomically so he can make it all work.
C: This is about taking care of the person, tender care and confidentiality.
E: The doctor is rich and he can take care of you in every way possible and he knows everything anatomically so he can make it all work.
Teacher/student
C: That goes with the dominance and submissive thing. It starts when you’re a kid with a crush. E: This is the student taking power from the teacher because the teacher has power to control grades so you might as well control the sexual part and violate the teacher.
Incest (“Daddy”)C: That goes with the dominance and submissive thing. It starts when you’re a kid with a crush. E: This is the student taking power from the teacher because the teacher has power to control grades so you might as well control the sexual part and violate the teacher.
C: I don’t get that.
E: I don’t get that either.
Ultimately, it is not necessary to disclose or even act out sex fantasies to have fantasies. Fantasies are for personal gratification, though it is important to uphold reality if individuals pursue or attempt to implement the fantasies into real play.
As Berk wrote, “At the end of the day, sexual fantasies are an opportunity to deepen the intimacy with your partner, to learn more about yourself, or to be clued into underlying emotional issues. Just remember to play it safe.”
How do you think fantasies affect individuals and couples in relationships?
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