Gone Fishin'

Desire is a provocative emotion. Or perhaps loneliness is the force that drives men and women to search for each other.

Either way, this is a game of fishing. It takes lots of patience, lots of bait and lines. And even then we don’t always win.

Robin Hilmantel’s article “Where to Meet Your Future Boyfriend” in the March 2011 issue of Cosmo gives readers hints of (not the most common) hot spots to meet potential partners. Though several of the places Hilmantel mentions give women advantages of meeting a partner, some—from experience—seem to be off target.

Cosmo says: Volunteer with an animal-rescue organization working adoption tables at festivals and farmers’ markets.

I say: Mission: Love animals, maybe. Mission: Expect to see him with his single buddies at the market on a weekend, not so much. The bigger the crowd, the bigger the fishing pond. But how likely is it to meet singles here? Festivals might be a better playground for singles, but they don’t come around often. And how often does a group of single guys actually walk the farmers’ market together checking out the veggies and honey sticks? Markets see more mother-daughter outings, new couples on an outdoor adventure (they do have fresh flowers) and green families, but singles—try again. Not never, but not likely.

Cosmo says: Visit local breweries for some craft beers.

I say: Go for it. This adventure doesn’t even have to be about picking up a guy or two. Why not make it a pre-party to ladies’ night? More power to those who can look good, down a few and maintain class. And if there happens to be guys there tasting the craft, why not find matches for the whole group for the whole day? Go get ‘em, tiger (or shall I say, “Tigress”).

Cosmo says: Visit the Apple Store for the iPad displays.

I say: The Apple Store is not a bad idea, but be aware of the type of guys that may frequent this money-maker: Techies, business guys, middle-agers, guys with an income (that’s a bonus), college students, and well, we can’t forget the dads (hopefully we can disregard this group). Sometimes they’re in and out in a swoop, but other times they linger… say at the counter or when they’re scratching their chins trying to decide what to buy. That’s when you make your move.

Cosmo says: Groupon: learn about bargains and fun, cheap and guy-friendly events… by creating an account for an x-year old male.

I say: Sneaky, though a bit on the creepy side. The fun events can definitely be another opportunity to have a girls’ day, or night, but it would be good to know how many guys even know about Groupon or its events and activities.

Cosmo says: Atypical online dating sites like alikewise.com (matches according to silly, random interests), saladmatch.com (matches partners according to favorite salad toppings) and howaboutwe.com (contact someone if you’re interested in their description of an ideal date).

I say: Although these sites aren’t like Match.com or eHarmony.com, they still stand a chance. Anyone should be careful with dating sites, because there’s no guarantee that anyone on there is who he or she claims to be, but should the search be a lucky one, you might just end up having a laid-back, humorous date. Question: How many people, let alone guys, know about these sites?

And if a woman doesn’t want to frequent any of these places, is she out of luck? Not quite. There are also bars, night clubs, shopping malls and let’s not forget church.

Don’t underestimate supermarkets either—in other words, look cute even when going grocery shopping.

For Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend Chris, 21, his roommate Justin, 21, and I went grocery shopping at the local WinCo at 7 p.m. Little did I know I would never look at supermarkets the same after that night. Justin spotted a “hottie” not two minutes after we walked into the store. We were there for an hour and a half and he’d hit on at least 10 girls with “What’s a pretty girl like you walking around alone?” Needless to say, I was intrigued and began asking questions. From their lips to my ears to your eyes:

1. Look cute, but comfortable: Guys like it, period.

2. It doesn’t matter if you’re with your girls or your parents; if guys want you, they’ll find a way.

3. It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a ring. If you’re walking without your partner, guys will approach you if they want you.

4. It doesn’t matter if they’re alone or with friends. Friends only stroke their ego. Guys will approach you.

5. If you’re on the phone, they’ll want to approach you but will opt out because you’re busy. If you want to be approached, don’t be on your phone so much.

6. Rejection will not stop guys from moving on to the next girl.

Ultimately, what I’ve learned is you don’t always have to search for guys. If you’re available and looking, present yourself wherever you go, but you really don’t have to do much if he wants you. Not all guys will put themselves out there, but if the opportunity presents itself, he’ll want to take it and most likely will take the leap of faith.

Oh, and another thing: Props to those who can handle multiple no’s in a row and still keep their head high. That’s the right way to go fishing.

Where and how do you fish?

. S is for Stop Snooping .

When Chris and I started dating last October, we did not think our different pasts would clash and drive a wedge of uncertainty into our relationship. He was very experienced, and I was not. 


Chris was the first guy to hold my hand, my first kiss and my first relationship. But Chris? It seemed like there was a different girl to remember every few days. The biggest issue we battled was trust; most of his ex-girlfriends were unfaithful and I was paying the price for the choices they made, and I did not know how to trust a guy on such an intimate level, much less Casanova-in-training. Chris was not used to such an inexperienced girl and thus questioned my every move. I worry about exes because I have heard plenty of stories about old flames reigniting a fire just because it was a lonely night and the two individuals had history. This is not something I want to encounter. 


Many people know that with distrust comes questions and questions needs answers. I cannot recall the first time it happened, but it happened: we started snooping through each other’s phones and text logs. 

Cosmo’s article "Put Down His Cell Phone!" came a month too late, but its points are as valid now as they were in November. They also help explain this unhealthy habit of snooping. Korin Miller writes about women allowing their insecurities fuel their suspicions which lead to snooping on the boyfriend. Miller describes snooping as secretly going through one’s partner’s personal belongings. The habit is a slippery slope, to which Chris and I can attest, and an addictive vicious cycle, according to psychologist Brenda Schaeffer.

Snooping is instant gratification for insecurities, but not just for women, Miller writes. Even now Chris snoops through my phone openly and because he does it to me, I do it to him. Though he never finds anything on my phone, the act makes me angry and my anger enables me to think that reciprocity is the answer. It is an answer for sure, but the wrong one.

Last week he left his phone in the car with me as he stepped out. I went through his text logs and Facebook account and found several instances where he gave his phone number out and encouraged girls to text him even after we had started dating exclusively. My heart sank and I told myself, “I knew it. He couldn’t let go of his playboy ways.” He came back and casually asked me if I found anything. My outward fury was calm but I was boiling on the inside. Turns out I blew everything out of proportion. 

Miller writes, “A recent study found that the more we look at our guy’s Facebook page, the more jealous we become because we are trying to confirm our suspicions about him and, as a result, end up blowing whatever fishy info we do find out of proportion.” It also says that if we are looking for evidence, we will find it because we will spin anything we find to fit the mold we think he fits into. With Chris and I, there is still much to work through, but it does not help that 80% of his Facebook friends are girls he admitted he does not know, and that they are all so willing to provide a comfortable (perhaps too comfortable) shoulder for him to cry on when we are going through a rough time. So who is in the wrong? It seems things are not as black and white as this article implies.

What exactly is the right reaction to a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife snooping through your phone or e-mail? Snatching your phone (and withholding passwords) may provoke him or her to think you are hiding something. Shrugging it off may enable him or her to think the snooping is OK. I have tried both and neither work. Miller suggests that step one is to recognize that the behavior is unhealthy and step two is to figure out why it is happening. Done. Now what? I accept that we need to work on the trust, but now how do we go about establishing and maintaining trust? Miller also suggests that people snoop because they are unhappy, but in our case, it is skeletons (or in my case, lack thereof) in our closets just keep reemerging. Perhaps the question now is how we can combine our efforts to exorcist these skeletons and put them to rest once and for all so we can move forward.

Guys are just as guilty and these subject matters should address both genders and provide better hands-on resolutions to practice after couples are past the acknowledgment stage. Because now it seems like couples who fall in the gray area of the snooping spectrum (both are at fault, nothing romantic is missing, etc.) are stuck in a waiting period of “Where do we go from here?” How do we stop snooping and start fixing?

Do they call you Snoopy, too?